Celibacy 2016: June Update.

Every couple of months seems like a good time to check in with this, right? So for the record, haven't had any kind of *relations* since December (and those were highly regrettable for multitudinous reasons) and I've I'm going to be 100% real here ... I may be a little thirstay.




1) Thou shalt not pursue a romantic relationship -- Still achieved. Had one situation that almost became a date-like situation and was able to reign that back in. As I mentioned about a month ago every last damn thing in my life is different from where it was in January (and even in April) so I'm aware that the chances for something popping up are higher than first anticipated. Nothing yet, though. Not even a crush. Unless you want to count that I went to a Dashboard concert like the not-so-secret 15 year old emo kid I internally am ... then I mean, there's that.

2) Thou shalt not participate in casual sex, friends with benefits, etc. -- Came close! I was asked for a kiss. For the first time in my everloving life, I said no. It went over okay. I was proud of myself for actually being able to thwart physical interference because usually what I say in my head and what actually comes out of my mouth are different. Or I just sit there and let whatever happen because the "why not?" part of my brain takes over. Or I don't want to die so I freeze because being touched when you don't want to be is better than dead when you've got kids to go home to. Mostly.

3) Thou shalt not whine about being single. -- I'm down to about once or twice a month on this, and it usually surrounds particular events or hormonal fluctuations. So it's stress/period related, both of which I find to be mostly excusable. I hate being alone when handling hard or triggering things, and my uterus likes to remind me once a month that IT'S SHRIVELING ALREADY CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE IT A BABY YOU OLD SPINSTER SHREW. The answer is forever no, by the way. I've been there and done that enough both good and bad, thanks. Also I'm terrified that if I ever did find someone I wanted to procreate with again that my ovaries would be like ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO and I'd end up with spontaneous quadruplets and then I would just have to quit everything forever.

4) Thou shalt not join any dating sites/apps/etc. -- Heeeeeeeeeere is where my struggle is quietly real. Let me drop some bombs here -- I'm living in a new part of town, I have a completely new job with a completely new company, and everywhere I go to like buy groceries or get gas or just be OUT and ABOUT is new. The curiosity is strong, my friends, and I have a cat or two I could give to that cause. BUT I WON'T BECAUSE REASONS. (But I kind of want to.)

5) Thou shalt not keep company for the sake of not feeling lonely. -- Has not been a problem. There was one instance where I could have toed the line on this but then I had (predictable) coparenting drama and that sealed that deal for me. Flip side of this is that now I'm reemerging among my friends and I really need to be better about being social in general. I may be a bit in hermit mode and that's not the best thing, either.

6) Thou shalt not walk through life searching for a partner. Or stalking your ex-partners. -- I will fully and readily admit, walking into a new (very populated) work place has tried this just a tiny little smidge. I'm not actively looking for anything but I mean, I'll come clean to scanning rooms and what have you. It's more the sociologist in me, but also just trying to get a scope on what's up a tiny bit. I will fully and readily admit to thinking that while everything in my life has changed for the better, there is still one thing that is sort of floating out there, but I'm committed to leaving it to just a thought. I have the opposite problem with this second part. I am actively having to block my ex, his partner, and people connected to them because boundaries are apparently something no one over there is good at or understand or anything. So yeah I'm good, thanks.

7) Thou shall take care of one's self. -- Yeah this isn't a thing, I'll be honest about that. But I've been moving which is exhausting in all the ways and that means eating out way too much and then new job so new lunch routines and snacks and stress eating and I just fell and jacked up my ankle something fierce (because of course I did) and so physical activity is just ... yeah. I mean I've been hitting my step goal most days and winning some FitBit challenges so that's kind of a pass, maybe? Ugh, I just can't get my shit together on this one. 

8) Thou shall love one's self, as much as possible. -- I think I'm doing this in less obvious (even to me) ways. Taking this new job was a HUGE jump and I had to have faith in myself that I could handle it. As well, I'm getting really good at setting healthy and appropriate boundaries when necessary in my life and that's as good as any morning mirror pep talk in my book. 

9) Thou shall invest redirected time and efforts into bettering one's life, without expectation of a partner joining for the journey. -- I THINK I HAVE THIS COVERED THANKS. Again. New job, new living arrangements, both of which give time and resources to perusing things that make me happy and foster good feels of accomplishment and growth and if anything I'm more in awe of how everything kind of fell into place once I stopped dulling myself down to cater to someone else's ego. When I'm not putting another adult before me, I actually get some real shit done. Who knew?

10) Thou shall let the love of and from one's children and one's friends carry one through the rougher patches. -- Man, me and these kids are legion. There's a lot going on in their little lives and going through all these changes together has bonded us in a way that just ... nothing can touch it, nothing at all. I am so grateful that they feel safe and comfortable with me to talk about the really hard things and tell me their feelings without filters. Sure, it's been hard and watching them struggle as they're putting the pieces together is excruciating, especially when the levels of hurt and comprehension are often so unnecessary particularly at this young age (but I can only control my actions and my reactions to others, so let me tell you about having to take a back seat and watch the carnage wreaked upon my poor babies' hearts and minds and souls and just praying I can help them put their pieces back together someday) but we're doing the best we can. As for my friends, they have been awesome and as things progress I'm astounded, frankly, but the number of people from my past life reaching out to me to reconnect. It's heartwarming, and it's validating. I am not what is said about me. And people are finally starting to see that.  

So I mean, I'm doing good. I definitely have some ... feels ... but I'm keeping myself mostly busy and dealing with things as I can. I haven't had a major, earth-shattering temptation so far, and we're almost halfway through this thing. I'm feeling good about the work I'm doing on me and my life and you know, I think I may be just fine, after all.